Posted in Blog Series

It’s Okay to Always Be Discovering Yourself by Mari Johnston

Mari is one of my favorite people and one of the friends I would loosely call a true soul mate. In another life, we were definitely besties who got into all kinds of shenanigans. In this life, we’re both chaotically busy but I am always, always rooting for her. Mari is an incredible mom to my fav little heart warrior and a passionate blogger. You should definitely check out her blog and Twitter.

When I was twenty-four I was married to a cis male. We had had a son the year before. I was a straight ally. Where I was at in life I thought I knew who I was. Until suddenly I didn’t.

I honestly don’t remember what events took place on the day everything hit me. Maybe there weren’t any major happenings. But something did change when I came to the realization that all of my looking at girls and thinking how beautiful they were was more than just me giving them a passing glance.

It meant I was bisexual.

I’ve never kissed a girl, but in high school, I thought about it. Because of how I was raised though I never did. It was twenty-four years of burying that side of me as far down as I could. To be fair, I never realized that my being interested in girls meant something.

I really thought it was just something everybody thought about. And none of this is meant to say that I’m no longer attracted to or love my husband.

It just means I’m bisexual.

As kids, we grow up thinking adults have it all figured out. We go through our teen years trying so hard to figure ourselves out and when we graduate high school we think we know the answer.

But I’m here to tell you that life is one long period of constantly discovering yourself. There are times I feel like a fraud for not discovering my bisexuality until my adulthood. Sometimes I worry that I’ll come out to somebody and they’ll think I’m “following a trend” based on the fact that I’ve never kissed or dated a girl. Something I’ve learned in this self-discovery process is that sexuality is fluid. It can change. I’m proud to call myself bisexual.

For me, it’s the word that best describes how I feel inside. And even though it took me twenty-four years to feel that way, it doesn’t make it any less valid.

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Author:

Writer, avid reader, blogger, art history nerd, student journalist & editor, bookstore connoisseur, honeybee advocate. Proud Jersey Girl. Drew '17.

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