Posted in Blog Series

A Journey of Self-Discovery from Becca @ Becca’s Book Realm

I am so excited to welcome Becca to the blog today to talk about their story of self-discovery and talk about their identity today for 30 Days of Pride. It is such a joy to welcome them to share their story in this space. Becca is a blogger and gamer who is autistic and has incredible tattoos. You can find them on Twitter and their blog.

I didn’t realize till I was 18 that the curiosity I’d had for girls all throughout middle school (and even earlier) was the same curiosity I had for boys. I’d thought I simply admired them, wanted to befriend them, wanted to be them, found them aesthetically and platonically pleasing to look at, etc. But because I didn’t necessarily want to make out with them the way I did boys, I didn’t see those feelings as romantic at all. It never even occurred to me. See, no one told me that sexuality could be so nuanced. Nobody told me that you can have a preference for one gender and still be bisexual. I thought you had to like the 2+ genders you were attracted to equally in order to be bisexual. I didn’t know demiromantic or demisexual were things. I didn’t know attraction could vary greatly among genders. So that’s part of the reason that I didn’t even realize my feelings had been of a romantic nature until one day my senior year of high school when it very suddenly hit me that I liked this girl in a “more than friends” kind of way. I’ve struggled a lot with doubt these past couple years, unsure if I’d read my feelings correctly and coming to terms with the fact that preferences and varying degrees of attraction existed within bisexuality. 

As for the Aspec part of my sexuality, I’m still figuring it out. I’ve never really had intense romantic feelings for anyone, including my crushes, which is what first led me believe that I was maybe demiromantic or demisexual. Now, I’m thinking I’m gray aro when it comes to girls, and possibly demisexual when it comes to them as well, if not for all genders. I still have sexual fantasies, I still have libido, I know that I want a sexual aspect to my romantic relationships and it can be very hard to determine whether I’m feeling libido or attraction when I’m reading erotic romances. It’s especially hard since I have no romantic or sexual experience. It’s something I’ll need to figure out as I go, but for now I’m comfortable calling myself gray aro and demi. 

Then there’s the polyamorous aspect to my bisexuality. I don’t think people understand that, at least for me, polyamory isn’t a decision I made. It’s not a choice. Instead, it’s more of a realization I came to. A realization that I need to be with both a man and a woman in order to feel completely satisfied in my relationship. And that’s why I see polyamory as a queer identity, as a queer type of relationship. I’m just way too bisexual to settle down with only one gender for my whole life. I may not experience attraction to men and women the same way, and I’m still not sure whether I’m sexually attracted to women at all, but I do know that I’m capable of loving them romantically and I know without a doubt that I want to spend my life with two people of two different genders. Realizing this has made me more confident in my bisexuality than I’ve ever been before. Now, when I picture getting married, having kids, being in a relationship, there’s always two people involved rather than one. I want to build a family and live in a house and live happily ever after with two people I love unconditionally, and I can’t imagine it any other way. It TRULY is 20biteen. 

I won’t even get into my gender identity right now cause I’m still not entirely sure I’m not cis and I don’t really know what exactly to label myself or how I feel about how I present, or about gendered terms. I do know I don’t wanna be confined to “feminine” ideals, clothing, etc. I’m experimenting with how I dress and how I present and still trying to figure out whether I’m confusing attraction to non binary genders with wanting to BE a non-binary gender. I’ll let you know when I figure it out, but for now my pronouns are she/they or xie/xer/xem. 

Thank you to everyone I’ve met online who’ve encouraged me to be myself, who’ve offered me advice and encouragement and solidarity. You’ve helped me come to terms with so much and helped me learn to accept myself without reservations and I’ll forever be grateful. 

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