Q&A with Erin Hahn, Author of “You’d Be Mine” and “More Than Maybe”

I’m so excited to welcome author Erin Hahn to the blog today. I talked to Erin about her heartbreakingly beautiful debut You’d Be Mine and her highly anticipated sophomore novel More Than Maybe. You can buy You’d Be Mine on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Book Depository and IndieBound. You can pre-order More Than Maybe, out May 12, 2020, on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Book Depository and IndieBound. You can find Erin on her website, Twitter and Instagram. And if you love music and You’d Be Mine, check out Erin’s playlist here. Heck, listen to it while you read this interview…

Taylor Tracy: One of the goals of Shattering Stigmas is to dismantle the stigma against mental illness by creating a safe space for people to discuss and raise awareness about mental health via their favorite mental health reads and personal experiences. What does mental health awareness mean to you and how does it intersect with your creative process?

Erin Hahn: I love the term “safe space”, because I was a teen when the internet first went World Wide and changed the dynamic of sharing personal experiences. The anonymity of the internet (particularly before social media) felt like a safe space to be real. It seemed at the time that you could blog your journey and strangers could read it and there was no judgment. Except there absolutely was! And that same anonymity that the bloggers felt, protected the often cruel readers too. It was a painful realization that hurt so many young people and adults alike and scared many people back into their shame-filled shells.

Books are different. You can’t talk back to a book. You can certainly vet your feelings about something an author has written, but there is no onsite-comments section. At least for the duration of the readers time spent in the pages, they are safe to understand and read and feel whatever the author evokes in their writing. I love this. It impressed upon me that I have this small window of opportunity to reach a reader where they are at with a taste of where I’ve been and maybe show them they aren’t alone. That what they are feeling or experiencing isn’t specific to them. Or if it is, perhaps it takes the loneliness away. It can validate. Let me say that again… VALIDATE. To me, validation is everything. Social media is full of people telling others HOW TO FEEL or telling them WHAT THEY ARE FEELING IS WRONG or telling them TO STOP FEELING THAT WAY RIGHT NOW and thats bullshit (pardon). I wanted to write books, particularly for teens, that showed people saying THIS IS HOW I FEEL and THAT’S OKAY because I AM SURVIVING THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW.

Sometimes survival is therapy, or treatment or screaming your feelings in a cemetery. Sometimes its medication or journaling or activism. Sometimes its distancing yourself from hurtful people. Its imperative that we are offering up solutions for young people and allowing them the space to see what works for them.

Taylor: Part of what I love about You’d Be Mine is that it’s a steamy romance about fame and music, but it’s also an incredibly poignant story about loss and emotionally struggling in unhealthy ways. How do you balance these two sides of the story when you’re writing?

Erin: Goodness this was a tough one for me. I’m glad you think it worked. 🙂 I was extremely mindful of the all-too common trope of “love fixing all”. More than anything, it was important to me that Clay (and to a lesser extent, Annie) healed first. Love doesn’t fix all and it’s dangerous to let young people believe it can. Everyone has their own battles to face, even in a contemporary romance. Maybe it’s not as heavy as addiction and grief and celebrity, since not everyone is as famous as Clay Coolidge, but that doesn’t mean its not real. When I set out to write a story, I’m actually writing two. I always write a dual point of view, complete with dual character arcs. Every person has a journey and just because falling in love is a apart of that, doesn’t mean its the end of it. It’s taken me a while to reconcile this process… I realize when people are picking up a YA romance, they are looking for butterflies and sweetness and sometimes my version is too messy and raw for that readership.

But that’s okay. My version of events helps me to sleep at night, knowing I’m telling it like it is. My characters will always find their happily ever after, they’ll just have to work a little harder for it.

Taylor: Some of the mental health issues you explore in You’d Be Mine include substance abuse, suicide, the pressures of fame and panic attacks. How did you choose to write about these issues in this book and what was the process of writing them like?

Erin: Wow, when you list it all out like that… *whew*. To be frank, I didn’t set out to write any of those things when I started. I don’t choose issues for my characters to face, just as real people don’t necessarily choose their struggles. I chose to write Clay and Annie’s stories and those were natural motivations and ramifications of their journey. Annie was a traumatized mess when she came to me and thats BECAUSE her parents died the way they did. Clay was a borderline alcoholic at 18, that doesn’t just happen because he liked the taste of beer. He was burying some real grief. I think it’s vital that we as authors are mindful of digging into the whys. It’s irresponsible to give a character mental health issues without exploring what brought those issues about in the first place. One of my favorite parts of that book is when Annie finished performing the song “You’d Be Mine” for the first time in the recording studio and she’s talking to her cousin, Kacey. Kacey kind of scoffs at Annie for saying she and Clay together were a volatile combination. She says, “You’re barely 18, Annie, what on earth do you know about being volatile?” Annie looks at her and says, “I was raised on volatile!” I love how Annie had the sense of self and maturity to realize her and Clay’s emotional baggage was too much even when their friends and family and managers and label execs didn’t.

Taylor: Your upcoming 2020 release More Than Maybe, also explores music, fame and teen love. Can you talk a little about what emotional and/or mental health issues you address in that book?

Erin: Sure! Luke and Vada aren’t famous in the same way Clay and Annie are. That said, Luke is the soft-spoken son of a famous former British Punk Rock icon. He has natural song-writing and singing abilities that drive his father bonkers because he’d love nothing more for Luke to follow in his footsteps and Luke would love nothing less. More Than Maybe discusses a lot of Parent-Child angst. Parents who fail to see who their kids really are and love them as is. Parents who aren’t really parents at all and break their kids hearts. Adults who aren’t biological parents, but end up filling in those parent-shaped holes in a teen’s life. These were all things that I personally related to and while they aren’t super high on the Epic Mental Health Issue roster, I think they are real. Growing up, your first interactions and experiences with mental health involve those closest to you… your families. For better or worse, they form who you become and how you deal moving forward as an adult. Luke and Vada have their work cut out for them and I think they do a wonderful job advocating for themselves as they dive into young adulthood.

Taylor: What are some of your recommendations for great mental health representation, whether it’s in books, movies, TV, etc.?

Erin: Hm. This is a hard one for me, BECAUSE mental health is so personal and I feel like me, listing out specific titles and encouraging people to go there, could lead to someone being disappointed or hurt? If that makes sense. Ironic, I know, as someone who writes the books I do. To be perfectly honest, for me, the most universal mental health representation happens in music. A well-written song can reach a person exactly where they are at and both validate and sooth at once. This past summer, something kind of horrifying and extremely painful was revealed to me, sending me spiraling, even at nearly 37 years of age. I immediately went to music and listened to the same four songs on repeat, every day, until my eyes dried up and my throat hurt from screaming. Were those songs written about me? Or the specific things that were breaking my heart? Nope. But they did a bang up job of piecing me back together regardless. Those lyrics and emotions healed me where I stood. That’s the power of music. I don’t know a book or movie or TV show that can do that so perfectly.

PS The songs were “Waiting at the End” Linkin Park, “I’ll Find You” Lecrae and Tori Kelly, “Praying” Kesha and “Life on Earth” by Snow Patrol.

Taylor: Are there any mental health issues you wish were more widely represented in middle grade and YA, or issues you hope to write about but haven’t had the chance yet?

Erin: In my third book, I’m tackling religious trauma. There isn’t a day that goes by that there isn’t some story in the news about some scandal in the church, or about how many young people are distancing themselves from religion because of abuse, neglect, persecution or gaslighting. As someone who grew up in the church and has experienced some or all of these things, I want to write about them and shed light in a pretty lonely place.

Taylor: Do you have any self-care tips, tricks or secrets you’d like to share, especially for writers?

Erin: When I am writing heavy, I have to read light. Or watch TV, light, as the case may be. People assume that because my books are on the darker side, that’s where my interest lies. It might have been at one point, but in the process of writing deep, authentic, hurting characters, I have to also put myself in that place time and again and it’s a lot! I balance that with comedy and kissing books and cross stitch and watching musicals with my little girl. I take my dog for long walks and paint my nails. I have a playlist that is entitled “Just Erin, Not a Character” where its only music that belongs only to me. After finished a particularly rough draft or scene, I bury myself in that playlist and let it heal up the sharp aches. I enjoy coloring and Great British Bake Off. I’ll make confetti cake for my family.

I’ve learned that forcing myself to be social and generous with my time is self care, as contradictory as that may sounds. I’m such an introvert and I love spending time in my head with my characters, but for my sanity, I have to close the door on them and talk to real, live people, too. It’s always a battle, but once I’m there, I’m glad I’ve done it.

Thank you so much, Erin!
It’s been a pleasure to talk to you for Shattering Stigmas!

Erin Hahn spent the first half of her life daydreaming in a small town in northern Illinois. She fell in love with words in college when she wrote for the campus paper, covering everything from drag shows to ice fishing and took way too much liberty with a history essay on the bubonic plague.

She started writing her own books when her little sister gave her shade about a country music-themed Twilight fanfic. By day, Erin gets to share her favorite stories with her elementary students. By night, she writes swoons. She married her own YA love interest whom she met on her first day of college and has two kids who are much, much cooler than she ever was at their age. She lives in Michigan, aka the greenest place on earth and has a cat, Gus, who plays fetch and a dog, June, who doesn’t.She started writing her own books when her little sister gave her shade about a country music-themed Twilight fanfic. By day, Erin gets to share her favorite stories with her elementary students. By night, she writes swoons. She married her own YA love interest whom she met on her first day of college and has two kids who are much, much cooler than she ever was at their age. She lives in Michigan, aka the greenest place on earth and has a cat, Gus, who plays fetch and a dog, June, who doesn’t.

De-Romanticizing Love and Mental Illness by Taylor Lien

Continuing in my tradition of bringing people back onto the blog for Shattering Stigmas, I’m so happy to bring back my name twin Taylor Lien to talk about mental health and relationships! You can find Taylor on her Twitter and YouTube Channel.

When I was in high school, I consumed many books about teenagers with mental illness. Those stories made me feel seen in a way that I was not being seen in my own life. The other thing they did was help me believe that I could be loved with a mental illness. Some of them even just for second made me believe that if I were in a romantic relationship than my mental illness didn’t matter anymore. Except, I knew that wasn’t true, I knew that being able to stand on my own was an important aspect of being able to love a partner the way they deserved. At twenty-one, almost six months ago, everything fell into place. I had spent four years single, and those years allowed me to heal and grow. I see now that was necessary in order to have a healthy relationship like the one I’m in now. 

That healthy relationship includes two people who struggle with mental illness. I would never sit here and say every day has been easy. There was a day this summer where I was crying on the floor near a panic attack and she was ready to take me to the hospital. After we had both calmed down and talked it through it all ended up okay, but I know there will be more days like that. Sometimes we have to change plans because one of us is too anxious to interact with other people, or she encourages me to go to something with her so I don’t isolate myself too much. 

The way we can feed into each other’s rhythms comes from three years of being friends and having spent a lot of time together in the six months we have been dating. Early on we had missteps and like that day this summer sometimes there were a lot of tears. I’m writing this post though to say that for me in my relationship, we’ve been making it work. It is not often like the books or the movies would make you believe, but it is a loving and fulfilling relationship nonetheless. 

Thanks to Tay for letting me be a part of this amazing blog series for a second time!

 Thanks, Taylor! What are some of your favorite books about people with mental health issues with positive representation of relationships?

Q&A with Phil Stamper, Author of “The Gravity of Us”

I am so thrilled to welcome Phil Stamper to the blog today to talk about his forthcoming debut THE GRAVITY OF US, which is out February 4, 2020 from Bloomsbury. You can pre-order it from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Book Depository, IndieBound and Target. If you pre-order, you can get a signed bookplate that was actually IN SPACE by filling out this form. I talked to Phil about his adorably gooey queer contemporary debut about the sons of astronauts who might have a bit of an out-of-this-world romance while uncovering secrets about the space program and the media. I read THE GRAVITY OF US this summer and loved it a lot. I am so excited for everyone to read this book and see what Phil writes next. To see what Phil is up to, you can find him on Twitter and Instagram and his website.

Taylor: So I loved THE GRAVITY OF US and want to first talk about the mental health rep in it. First, I LOVED Cal’s mom. It was the first time I saw a parent in a YA book who had mental health issues, but managed them and was still presented as a loving authority figure in the MC’s life. And I loved that you included online therapy as a valid, accessible option through her character. Secondly, I loved the representation of Leon’s depression and how that was complicated by his life in the public eye and how his mental health issues affected how he could connect with other people.

Can you discuss a little bit about how these specific elements became a part of the book and why you wanted to write about them?

Phil Stamper: I’m SO happy that you enjoyed the mental health rep in GRAVITY. I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years learning how to manage my own mental health, and that was a big inspiration for me in building out these characters. Such a big part of the mental health conversation is in how we communicate our experiences with mental health to our friends and family, and I’m glad I got to explore that dynamic throughout the book, especially in conversations between Cal and his mother, and Cal and Leon.

In GRAVITY, I got to play with how the media treats mental health, but also talk about something we all experience at some point: how big life changes affect those with anxiety or depression differently. I wanted to include characters who experienced mental health at multiple stages: undiagnosed, but prevalent; diagnosed, but untreated; and diagnosed, treated, but still not perfect. Some of this came naturally as I wrote the story, but I’m glad I was able to hone in on these experiences and make it a part of their character—but not have it define who these characters are.

Taylor: THE GRAVITY OF US is also in many ways about the emotional impact of the interfering forces of fame, reality television, science and technology and myths of American nostalgia all encompassed in a book that reflects on the zeitgeist of the 1960s space race and what a space race to Mars would look like today…with queer teen leads! And these forces have a deep emotional impact on Cal and Leon on their families. Can you discuss a little bit about what brought you to write about these forces and how you developed the larger emotional arcs of the story?

Phil: Ah, it always feels so great when someone fully gets what I was trying to do with this book… and articulates it way better than I ever could! To what brought me to write about this: I have always been a space nerd, especially when it comes to the Mercury/Gemini/Apollo missions. I’ve read dozens of astronaut/engineer memoirs, watched documentaries, and I’ve got a growing collection of LIFE magazines from the era. 

While reading THE ASTRONAUT WIVES CLUB, actually, I realized that one thing in the background of every astronaut story kept calling out to me. The astronaut families essentially became the celebrities of this era, frequently gracing the covers of magazines and giving interviews for national news outlets. This meant the astronauts’ spouses and children had to be immaculately dressed, polished, and ready to entertain, all while not knowing if their husbands or fathers would come home alive that night. In THE GRAVITY OF US, I wanted to capture this brilliant tension while also showcasing a contemporary queer love story. 

I wanted it to be relevant for today, so I built in the Orpheus missions to Mars and the reality TV elements, but I also knew I personally had a lot of nostalgia for this (very flawed) era that I needed to unpack. Cal is what brought it all together: putting a skeptic at the forefront of the story helped so much with keeping my own nostalgic inclinations at bay and, like a true journalist, he got to the root of the story. 

Taylor: Finally, what are some of your favorite books, movies, TV shows, etc. that feature mental health representation? And what do you hope to see more representation for in the future?

Phil: In the video game Celeste, the main character deals with anxiety and self-doubt through her journey climbing a mountain. The game visualizes this later on by pitting the main character against a “dark side” copy of herself, and you ultimately realize that you don’t need to outrun this “dark side” but rather try to understand and work alongside her to climb the mountain. As someone who’s trying to get a little more comfortable with breathing exercises, I appreciated one part of the game where she’s guided through a panic attack. The player does this by holding down and releasing a button to simulate breathing, while you’re trying to keep a feather floating in the air. It’s all beautifully and respectfully done, which is rare to see in any media.

I would like to see better rep across the board, but especially TV and movies. While I think we’ve come a long way in book publishing, there are still so many toxic mental health stereotypes getting pushed through. That said, I feel incredibly lucky to be an author who can regularly discuss mental health both on and off the page, and I hope that only continues. We’ve still got a long way to go, but I am definitely happy about where we’re at, and where we’re going.

Phil Stamper grew up in a rural village near Dayton, Ohio. He has a B.A. in Music and an M.A. in Publishing with Creative Writing. And, unsurprisingly, a lot of student debt. He works for a major book publisher in New York City and lives in Brooklyn with his husband and their dog. THE GRAVITY OF US is his first novel, but he’s no stranger to writing. His self-insert Legend of Zelda fanfiction came with a disclaimer from the 14-year old author: “Please if you write a review don’t criticize my work.” He has since become more open to critique… sort of.

“Happy, Revisited” from Troix Jackson

Welcome to Shattering Stigmas 5.0 and to the first guest post this year. I’m so happy to introduce Troix Jackson, who has been writing for Shattering Stigmas since I started co-hosting and who I met through this event. Troix is a fantastic writer who you can find on her Twitter, Instagram and website.

Hello again. This is now my third year writing something for Shattering Stigmas and, as usual, a lot has changed for me.

My depression has become something that drives me to bed when there’s work to be done, that coaxes my eyelids shut as I type at my computer, that yawns over my shoulder and asks me if a quick nap doesn’t sound nice. My depression is the cat purring in my lap, the whir of my computer fans, the hum of my mother’s oxygen machine.

I generally like to take a positive approach to the way I write about mental illness—I like to take a positive approach about everything, usually. I like to be a smiling face behind my screen. I want you, the reader, and me, the writer, to feel comfortable and somewhat pleased.

But it’s raining outside today, and fog is rolling over the town I’ve lived in my entire life, and I don’t feel like being all too positive this year. And that’s okay, I think.

I think a lot of my social media presence has been dedicated to being happy and peppy. I think I put a lot on myself, emotionally, by investing in being the friend you can cry on. There’s nothing wrong with that. If part of what you want in life is to please others, you’re going to live well, I think. Being open and being willing to giving back is part of what makes someone a well-rounded person, and a good friend. But it’s just as important to take a step back and to evaluate yourself, for once. A month or so ago, my partner told me that I tell people “I’m here if you need me” too much. And I think they’re right.

Having a good relationship with others begins with understanding and having a good relationship with yourself. Which sounds like something from a self-help book, but I don’t think that’s so bad, either. I want to help people. I want to help you, reader, who’s either seen my previous posts for Shattering Stigmas or has never read a word I’ve written up until this point. I want you to be an amazing person the way I know you already are, I want you to have days where you’re bright and vibrant and on top of the world. But this year, and in this post, I think I’m reconciling with the fact that having those moments where you’re at your peak means accepting moments when your mental illness drags you from what you love to do, that makes even smiling at someone you care about an enormous chore.

I said in my first post in 2017—which I dug from the thumb drive I keep all my old writing in, an act that made me feel ancient—that I felt that I was broaching happiness. And I still feel that way. But I also think I’ve grown and changed a lot since then, and I’ve learned some things along the way. And yes, this will sound like it’s straight out of a self-help book, but that’s the kind of positive affirmation I’ve needed, recently. And maybe it’ll be some kind of affirmation for you, too.

Happiness isn’t Sunday to Saturday smiles, and coffee runs where the barista only ever gets your order right. Happiness is crying sometimes—or crying a lot. It’s letting my depression lull me to sleep with the knowledge that this is what I need to do for myself emotionally right now. It’s learning to smile when things go right, and not feel guilty about frowning when things go wrong.

At least, that’s how it is for me.

Welcome to Shattering Stigmas 5.0

Hello and welcome to the fifth year of a blogging event that’s all about coming together and speaking up to continue to break down the stigmas that surround mental illness and mental health treatment. I am so excited to share these next two weeks with you and hope it will be a productive opportunity to continue to think and rethink about how we conceptualize mental health in our own lives and in relation to those around us. Statistically, it is a guarantee that you know people who are struggling with their mental health. If you found your way here and you’re struggling, I see you and you matter. You can do this and I hope these posts, if nothing else, provide you with the sense that you are not alone. We are all in this together.

As usual, we have a stellar line-up in terms of hosts and posters. You can check up on the other posts from my amazing co-hosts Mari @ Musings of a Girl, Shannon @ It Starts at Midnight and Amber @ YA Indulgences. Please make sure to check out their blogs over the next two weeks for lists, Q&As, personal essays and more! This event is such a joy to run, and I’m so thankful for their company and ongoing support.

Posts will begin going up tomorrow and will be posted here as they go live for easier browsing. Please make sure to comment, share and support all of our amazing contributors. As always, thank you. To everyone. And let’s continue to fight the stigma.

Announcing Shattering Stigmas 5.0!

Summer is winding down. The smell of pumpkin spice everything is practically hanging in the air. That means it is time for Shattering Stigmas to come back around, and for us to gather around and continue the conversation around mental health and mental health awareness with two weeks of guest posts, interviews and more. This year will also hopefully mark the debut of Mental Health Reads, an ongoing community archive of mental health representation in books for kids and teens primarily for bloggers, librarians and teachers.

So what is Shattering Stigmas? Four years ago, Shannon @ It Starts at Midnight launched the first Shattering Stigmas, a blogging event dedicated to posts about mental illness to address and challenge the stigmas against it. Through book reviews, discussion posts and lists, Shattering Stigmas has continued conversations around mental illness for the past three years.

Three years ago, during the second year of Shattering Stigmas, I did a guest post for Holly @ The Fox’s Hideaway, which you can find here. It was such a fantastic experience. It gave me a platform and a voice to talk about my mental health story that mattered to me so much that I volunteered to co-host two years ago and then officially took on Shattering Stigmas last year. Check out last year’s content here.

This event means the world to me and I want to ensure its ongoing success and expansion within the YA blogging community, Shattering Stigmas 5.0 will run October 6-19, 2019.

Currently, I am looking for co-hosts and guest posters.

Co-Hosts are responsible for posting guest posts either daily or at least every few days during the two weeks of the event’s run. Please not this is a bit of a time commitment, but I am happy to help and answer any questions or concerns you might have. If you are interested in co-hosting, please fill out this form by August 22, 2019.

In terms of guest posts, I am actively seeking authors, bloggers, writers and readers to write posts (personal essays, top ten lists, letters, etc.) about mental illness, stigma and mental health awareness. You may write about any topic connected to mental health (bookish or not), at any length, in any format as long as I can figure out how to put it on my blog. To see some prior Shattering Stigmas posts from past hosts, click here and here.

Some ideas for posts:

• A book review of a book with mental illness representation
• A discussion post about a book with mental illness rep that means a lot to you
• A Q&A (authors, I’m looking at you! I’m always happy to promote authors who write about mental illness and their books)
• Some kind of list post related to mental health and/or books
• Discussion posts about identity and mental illness

Please note that I am particularly interested in posts about the intersection of mental health & illness with other marginalized identities based on race, ethnicity, religion, disability, neurodiversity, etc. 

If you would like to write a guest post, you can comment with the following:

• That yes, you would like to participate!!! (I really hope you’ll want to!)
• The best way for me to contact you be that via email, Twitter, Instagram, etc. I just don’t have Facebook.

You can also contact me directly via my E-MAIL. Please do not DM me on Twitter. I am currently on hiatus. However, you CAN and should DM me on Instagram. I am @tayberryjelly.

Let’s keep using the power of words to fight the stigma against mental illness. ♥

On Pride and Queer Rep Year-Round by Maya Gittelman

I have known Maya for years as the person who announced the events at the Upper West Side Barnes & Noble. But now we’re friends! I was so worried about how I was going to close out this event, and then Maya sent me the perfect post to do the job. You can find Maya on Twitter. They also write for The Body is Not an Apology.

I have so many messy feelings about Pride and my relationship to it, year-round. Because it is not a single thing, a flat experience. Pride is a palimpsest, simultaneity, tragedy inextricable from joy and vice versa. Pride as we know it began as a riot, a revolution of angry and hurt Black and brown trans women fighting for safety, for healthcare, for protection from the state. Today Pride celebrations are too often actively inaccessible and fail to center Black and brown queer trans voices. Pride has become a capitalistic, exploitative nightmare, coopted by cis, sometimes allohet white folks to party and sell things.

And yet…I find so much joy in it.

The thing is, I want to be unapologetically queer year-round. I want to exist outside of cisheteronormativity. I want to surround myself with queer everything: queer fairytales, queer sci fi, queer businesses, queer stories, queer love, queer community. All of my identities are nonbinary: my sexuality (bi), my race (mixed, Filipinx-Jewish, and diaspora too), my gender (literally nonbinary). Lots of folks, including LGBTQAI+ elders, have told me I’ll grow out of wanting to wear my queerness on my sleeve, that I will grow up and settle into being just like straight folks, except also I like people who aren’t cis men.

Some people love that idea, and that’s fine! But I don’t want that. I love being queer. I love knowing myself enough to know I can lead a different life than what the a cishet patriarchy wants from me. I can be honest with my body and my heart now. I can live honestly in the love I share with a woman.

I’ve always felt a distance from the expression “Love is Love,” which parallels the idea that hey, queer folks are just like you cisallohets! It’s asking to be seen as human, too. But what it leaves out is that LGBTQAI+ folks…we navigate this world differently. Pride is inextricable from grief, from loss, from danger and fear. Not for everyone, not to the same degree, and privilege is always a factor.

Yet in general at least, queer love is a triumph.

In a world, a set of systems that prescribes who we are supposed to be and love and become, queer love and queer self-love is an act of revolution. It’s such a tender, magical thing, such an absolute privilege and a gift, to survive and exist like this, and to get to love myself and my girlfriend within in. I can’t believe it, sometimes. For all the tensions surrounding Pride, it feels like a reminder, resonating, cliché but true: we’re here, we matter, you are not alone.

And that’s what LGTBQAI+ books do for me. Year-round.

I realized a few months ago that I can picture the queerest scenes from my favorite books so easily, because I’ve read and reread them so often. For so many, many years I only had tragic stories, stereotypes, or fanfiction. Now, I have the beautiful bi love story of Labyrinth Lost. The all too necessary vindication of I Wish You All the Best. The glory of This Is Kind of An Epic Love Story. The self-love of Patsy. The revolution of We Set the Dark on Fire. The magic of When the Moon Was Ours. The poetry of When the Chant Comes. The messy bi love triangle of Odd One Out. And so many, many more. The surge of LGBTQAI+ is still a small one compared to the whole of publishing, but it’s gamechanging. It means I get to read stories in which people have bodies like mine and loves like mine and not only survive, but get happy endings, and that lets me envision a future I once wasn’t sure I was allowed to have.

Love should be love, but it’s not. Queer love and queer self love are hard-won things. So even though Pride is a messy month, I am grateful for it: for the community, for the reckoning with our past and how far we have yet to go, and for the excuse to be absolutely brazenly queer. I hope soon we can do it every day of the year. Until then, I’ll spend my days reading books that let me celebrate queerness in all its messy, magic triumph.

A Guest Post from Olivia Hinebaugh, Author of “The Birds, The Bees, and You & Me”

Here today to talk about identity, privilege and more is Olivia Hinebaugh, debut author of The Birds, The Bees, and You & Me, which you can buy from Amazon, Barnes & Noble and IndieBound. I love this book a lot and Olivia is incredibly sweet. You can find her on Twitter and at her website.

I was watching Orange Is The New Black with my spouse. It was the episode where we get to see Laverne Cox’s character’s backstory. Her wife was so supportive of her transition and it made me feel sappy, so I turned to my spouse and said, “I would support you and love you the same if you were a woman.” He turned and looked at me in disbelief. When he said the reverse wasn’t true, I was offended.

Because I love and am attracted people regardless of their gender or sex. Like, that literally does not matter at all to me. Generally, I thought most people were like me. Hearing that my spouse cared about my gender or sex so much was weird to me. It started the wheels turning. I never thought I’d be 30ish and questioning my sexuality. Nothing about me felt different, though. I had always had crushes on guys, girls, and especially people who weren’t, like, super masculine or feminine. But, I only ever really dated guys. (OK. Honest talk here: I married my first boyfriend…so…kisses on the other hand, men were in the minority) 

A great thing happens when you get a little older. First of all, so many of the people I knew in younger years as straight and cis, are openly LGBTQIA. All of these wonderful shades of nuance came into focus as more and more of my peers lived their truths. And suddenly, the fact that I had kissed more girls than guys, and the fact that a huge majority of what I considered crushes were almost solely platonic started to make me wonder.

Right now, where I sit, as a 34 year old woman: I am a white cis woman who is married to a white cis man and has children, but I’m also pansexual and demisexual. Another way I look at it is, I’m queer enough that I identify, but I’m also super privileged so I need to cede my voice and listen when my more marginalized pals talk. 

Learning the term “demisexual,” by the way, was the closest thing I’ve had to a true lightbulb moment in my entire life. I’ve just never walked around thinking about sex. Or having urges to jump anyone. My urges were more like “I want to have coffee with them” or “I’d like to make them smile.” Only when I was really and truly fully enamored with someone on a fairly deep platonic level, did I *ever* want to kiss them. I need to be super comfortable with someone. And the other lightbulb moment came when I realized that my friends who had flings and one-night stands were maybe allosexual. I had always struggled to understand how you, like, meet someone, think they’re hot, and then jump in the sack with them. I wouldn’t say I judged them. Because that’s, like, against the rules of feminism. I just didn’t understand them, even though I’m very sex positive. I want all people to have the sex life they want (with consensual parties). I don’t need to understand someone’s sexual experiences to accept them. And that has been a really powerful lesson.

We can all, all the time, work on being more understanding and accepting. I have always been an ally and a feminist, but I still learn ways to be better at both of those things. 

As a writer for teens, part of me is excited to include things that I didn’t know about at that age. In The Birds, the Bees, and You and Me there are characters who are bi and on the ace spectrum (*cough* very similar to me). I grace those characters with more self-knowledge than I had, because I can’t imagine how awesome it would have felt if a friend turned to me and said “yeah, I choose random celebrities to be ‘obsessed with’ because other people are doing that,” and I’d be, like, “right?” Or someone to be like “well, gee, I actually think androgynous people are hot. And that’s valid.” Or if anyone ever used the term “nonbinary.” Holy smokes, the doors it might have opened.

This is by no means a “kids these days have it so good,” kind of post. It’s just that I do want to do my part to help kids these days. If I’ve done that–even in a small way–as an author, then a dream has come true. 

Folks, there are just billions of ways to be a person. You can label these facets, or you could decide you hate labels. You can love in so many different ways. When I think about that, it’s impossible not to smile.

Being Me by Savvy @ Savvy the Book Royal

I’m so happy to welcome Savvy to the blog today to share their coming out story (and I am so, so proud of them). Savvy is a queer teen book blogger and bookstagrammer Check out their book blog Twitter and writing Twitter. You can also find them at their blog.

I’ve gone back and forth on how I wanted to word this. I’ve rewritten it time and time again, and not just for this post. I’ve said it in my head so many times, but I’ve never been able to fully put into words how I feel being out to most people. About how I feel now that I’m able to fully be myself.

I think the best way I can think of putting it is, a breath of fresh air. It’s like trying to swim from one end of the long pool to the other without ever surfacing and then finally, when you can’t take it anymore and your lungs are burning and yelling, bursting from the water for that first gasp of air. You never realize how much you needed it until you finally got it.

I never realized how much of myself I was hiding until I finally shared with my mom, my grandparents, and my aunts that I’m gay. To my mom that I’m nonbinary.

It was like surfacing from sitting on the bottom of the pool. It was my breath of fresh air. The gasp I needed after a long time of pretending to be someone other than me.

Being able to be me was like finally being able to breathe.

I was confused and felt like I was being held down when I was questioning and it was as alright when I finally settled on not really labeling my sexuality beyond gay and queer. I was as good as one can be when they finally admit to themselves that they haven’t been honest with others about who they are. And it was better for a time but the looming thought of sharing this new part of myself that I discovered, that I continued to keep to myself, was terrifying. Proclaiming who you are to the world is terrifying. But after so long I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t stand not being me around the people who thought they knew me the best. The people who, a lot of the time, know me better than I know myself.

I wanted to be able to be comfortable being me and I wanted to be able to be me around the people I care about. And even though they have to work on some things, I’m lucky enough that they want me to be comfortable being myself with them. They taught me to be unapologetically myself, and to get everything off my chest and to be able to be me, not hiding any part of myself, is thrilling. It’s terrifying, but thrilling.

I can just be me.

And that feeling, even if from very few people and even if some of their reactions were not the best, that feeling of putting a piece of myself out there to share with the world is enough to keep me going. It reminds me of what it’s like to unapologetically be myself and that no one should be able to hold you back from that feeling. No one can stop you from being you and if they try they’ve never really been there for you. They’ve only been there for their image of you and that’s not the real you.

That feeling is being yourself and there’s almost nothing as refreshing.

It’s all about feeling when the time is right, when you feel it’s safest for you. I’m still in one situation where I can’t be myself because I can’t read the people. I can’t tell where they stand. And that’s okay. Not pushing for a situation you can’t read is okay. You get to choose when you want to be you. When you’re ready.

But dang, do I long to be able to feel that thrill of unleashing me to everyone I know. To be able to finally be very openly gay . . . And maybe one day, openly nonbinary.

Until then, I’ll just keep being as much of me as I can with the people around me. I’ll take my small breaths here and there and I’ll wait for those last few big gasps. For now, I’m content withslowly being able to breathe again.